Now he's making it sound like this is the only reason he wants to divorce. Ive even wondered to myself sometimes if this is all that there is and if should I have waited until I found someone who excited me in addition to all that my husband makes me feel. I do find it a bit strange that you'd think your children can't be held over you because they're young adults and not children. get your ducks in a row OP, and she is probably only romanticising her past with him, she's looking at it with rose tinted glasses, because that thing her and tom had didnt sound good, he sounded like a fuckboy. She's sorry you heard it. And the other child is 19. That's not the kind of admission that just seeps out. Its also a lot of people projecting their own past relationships onto a stranger. Yall just because youve been in a 20 year relationship doesnt mean anything. Realized they had the budget for her to go back to school and she got her doctorate in biology. Yea this is really not a good place for relationship advice. Theres this twilight zone episode where Anne is about to marry a nice guy, but the exciting bad boy convinces her leave him. What she said when she thought he wasn't listening is what she meant. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Get the hell out of your boring ass marriage. But can you say with 100% honesty that you've never said anything your wife would find hurtful to your friends? Saying you settled for a person you spent 20 years with, and STILL reminisce and regret not being with someone else for TWO DECADES is a pretty fucked up thing to say. This is all excellent advice! People do have regrets, if OP feels this is right course than move on. For real. Shes fantasizing about her on and off ex who excited her, but probably fails to remember why she was on and off with him in the first place and how he wasnt serious about her. (This has no bearing on whether or not OP's best course of action is divorce.). You can manage some useful insight, but the mods have an agenda as well. To hear the love of your life, the person you have been married to for 20 years, the mother of your two children say that she settled for you and still thinks about the other guy daily and wishes he would have committed so they could have been together is fucking devastating! Its pointless. It takes effort on a daily basis, even small things. See people insulting him. I dont give a flying fudge what anyone says in jest but if your foolish/arrogant/selfish enough to say I settled for husband, wish ex took me more seriously after 20 years of bliss you deserve the firestorm coming your way. Im so sorry. OP will feel second best. 20 years? Yeah right. At this point, I think you need to be more smart than emotional. Thats life. I'm sorry you believe this. They are a poison that burns forever and on good days plants doubt behind any joy and on bad ones, strips any happiness from you. What is wrong with people? We all feel doubt about the decisions we make even if they are good ones in the long term. The level of resentment that would breed between them would make things 100 times worse than it is now. It's like you've picked an arbitrary point where it's ok to divorce. I say that you went looking for reasons because in her own words she said you just didnt excite her, she said she loved you and although she thinks of her ex, he never took her serious, so you did, now she wants you to make her feel wanted and not like she settle and you dont care anymore. She was in her early twenties and so was Tom, when you hit middle age you tend to look back on those times with rose colored glasses. If youve been unaware for 20 years, there seems to be a gap in communications. The problem with overreacting is that doing so causes people to focus on your overreaction instead of what you're overreacting to. Ear hustling and then divorce? Shes 40 years old, has two children with his husband and she is still holding up to a douchebag she fell in love in her late teens? Ending a 20 year relationship is going to shake up both of your lives no matter who is at fault. I totally agree. The lack of sex the past few years seems like the nail in the coffin. 
Stop barraging your wife with questions it was way in the past before shed even met you. There are some breaks in trust that you can't come back from. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. So just slow down, take a deep breath, stay hydrated and make sure youre eating regularly. Coincidence that their kids are 19 and 21 and he overhears this? After all, if the topic of why you split came up you can swear it was her fault, and that if only she had not expressed longing for a past relationship the two of you would still be in wedded bliss. Clearly there were other issues in the marriage, and I dont question your needs or your feelings. But is a simple comment saying he isn't the love of her life, just someone who was fool enough to want to stay with her for 20 years. Youve been together for 20 years. Except people say stupid shit when they are emotionally vulnerable, or exaggerate how they are feeling with close friends. Impulsiveness? Both for immediately wanting to end it and for "knowing" that it was meant the way you interpreted it. And we all have parts of our "real" face, "real" body, "real" identity, we wont show to anyone, not even our parents, spouses, children. But the strength of the feelings did fade a lot as the years passed. that doesnt sound very isolated. She broke down in hysterics saying it wasn't what it looked like. No offense, OP, but you might be overreacting. 
Saying she wishes the last 20 years didn't happen is awful. Talk to her sister and explain everything as she really knows what the actual F is happening. Divorce quickly. Makes him look like a schmuck and honestly, would make me wonder what else in the relationship was a lie. Your wife has completely checked out of the marriage. And it's perfectly reasonable to assume she associates these bad feelings with her husband considering the time of her life she's in. Honestly this. Have you looked for a therapist? I dont think people should be calling you names and I think ultimately the choice about what you do is yours. *I think you legally need a reason in some places, but thats for the lawyers. :grin2: I think you calm down. You are your own person. So youve been with her for 20 years and have been happy, but one overheard conversation makes you want to end it unilaterally? If your only overheard part of the convo, the first part could have been about how wonderful you are and how guilty she feels for having these nagging feelings about her ex. None of this is diminish how crushingly upsetting a thing to hear that is, and OP is entirely justified in the reaction he has had. I cannot updoot you hard enough, it's not just saying she feels like she settled but saying she thinks about her ex EVERY DAY. It is very difficult to take back words once they are said some words cut and hurt too deep. Move on - itll be hard - but you will rebuild. Everyone still responding to this dumb post as if OP hasn't had their account suspended. To me, thats REAL love. I think your families are overlooking this important point. At first he got defensive and they argued for a bit but eventually they sat down and discussed what is it she wants. I'm over her, but the emotional stress that put me thru I will likely never recover from. Because I don't think you really do. She lied because she loved you. That's a nice blast from the past. He didnt mean it That's just an observation some of us women NEVER, EVER admit, even if things get incredibly ugly and there's a nasty split. I dont blame you for being hurt down to the core. Theres so much context missing from this post its impossible to give any advice other than Its not uncommon to look back and think of what might have been. https://youtu.be/wIsfGPsd-SQ. Anyone can see it's bullshit. is the lamest excuse ever. So it would be helpful for you to figure that out. 
They haven't even lived 20 years with themselves, how do you expect them to grasp the idea of being married for 20 years? IF you are being 100% truthful and there is nothing else youre hiding, Id argue that you guys obviously dont know each other. Sometimes they just say or do stupid things, It's why everyone experiences the feeling of laying up late at night thinking about stupid things you did in the past. Dont settle for just anyone. Some people have no idea what the fuck they want. The habits of honesty, acceptance and forgiveness where possible are learned, not innate. She eventually talked with my uncle about the issue. To be honest you are in a sh*t storm. "Oh, how can you throw a 20 years relationship away over a simple comment.". Both of these are incredibly sensible responses. And sometimes you're just in a shitty place for some reason that makes you doubt everything. 
Wouldn't be surprised if OP himself is in his Midlife Crisis stage. Yeah, I know it's not tHe SaMe because FEELINGS and I get that. Without even really discussing what you heard? I told her I overheard her and that it's over. I heard their conversation. His wife's comments would have probably rocked the house even in the best of times, but I think it must have landed on a pretty big powder keg to bring down the whole house. There's not much else going on at all, she wants Tom and not her husband, she wants excitement and doesn't find it in her husband, she wouldn't be with her husband if Tom was serious with her Those things pretty much invalidate anything else that is said. If you know it's over then it's over. It doesnt make them an awful person it usually just means they miss the excitement of that time of their life and that youve still got that idealized person in your head. people always seem to forget that reddit is full of young people myself included that really dont have a lot of life experience and definitely dint understand the dynamics of 20+ year relationship and what a midlife crisis feels like. Breaking up sucks, no matter what the reasons. I caught her again. Let it go man. I have talked to my friends numerous times about feelings I was having that I KNEW were irrational and fleeting but the feeling is real regardless and just getting it out can help you realize oh god thats really silly or wow I need to take action here.. I think you should reflect on your own biases. She's probably been looking for someone better this whole time and maybe even cheated while trying to find it. Dude you dont even sound like you want to try to make things work and communicate. So you find a reason to blame her. No trust no relationship. I'm sure it was devastating to overhear and I'm not downplaying that, but to not wait for an explanation and just cut off the relationships? Just be careful about making her the villain if you've realized that this is something you wanted all along. If you're both up to it! Once she has done so, go on from there. Would you still fault her for her honesty? That's why you should never take any actual relationship advice from reddit. I am so glad I am not the only one that read that as a train-wreck. One of my biggest fears is ending up with someone just "settling" for me because I don't believe in that. Some marriages/relationships are irretrievably broken. Then she said he has a really cute small dick, but tries to please. If you have ever heard the Moody Blues song Wildest Dreams thats Explain to your partner why the things you overheard hurt you or made you feel bad. Day. It's really tough to extrapolate the whole meaning and tone of the conversation from having one (seemingly accurate) quote. Then you can decide if they are addressable or not, and stay together or divorce. Have my upvote! Exactly. Also, their first child is 21 and theyve been married for 20 years. Yeah its time to bail. Completely and wholeheartedly. Why not? Talk and listen. You will find the person who loves and appreciates you. He referred to her as the love of his life. I want to br free. When I had a traumatic event in my life I took a lot of solace in realizing that what I went through, as heartbreaking as it was, many people have experienced it before. You aren't leaving her because of this one comment you overheard. I might be wrong about that, but you should at least reflect on your motivation. Sorry but, someone saying they settled for their partner and it's over for me, what the fuck is the point then, mediocrity? Don't be so proud my friend. You've never bitched about someone to a friend? We just didnt have that electricity you sometimes get with a person. Will he feel comfortable and secure with her? I felt awful that I was making her feel like that and crushed that she didnt like me. Tom probably isn't the same. Let's face it, a lot of us settle to some degree. Makes me think about the internet being people's 'masks.'. You are making the right decision. OP was the safe dependable choice. You say something like that about a 20 year relationship when you've been thinking it for 20 years. Op also commented Theyre both bored. Wtf. Make the conversation personal. I think its pretty clear that they are both going through a mid life crisis. But it isn't about you. Thank god I caught myself before deciding to back for grad school lol. I think you should hear her side out first though, talk it out and put all your emotions on the table. ", Sounds like from what hes said hes been checked out of the marriage for a while now actually, His clearly pre-existing desire to get the fuck out makes me wonder if he didnt have some kind of behavior toward his wife that prompted her to start questioning her marriage and reflect on the past with rose colored glasses, as others have mentioned she might be doing. He meant something to her then clearly! And it's not about me, because it's her mental illness that's driving the reaction not reality, but I still break down in tears when I hear it. Happens all the time. I really think both parties could handle this better. But can you honestly say youve never missed excitement in your life or thought of someone else fondly? 
The sudden move makes me think that you have been looking for an out for a while. There are some people out there who don't understand loyalty. She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. This post is fake as hell. Whether she is romanticizing the idea of Tom or actually Tom. After 20 years and raising two children he shouldn't still just be "something" to her. And this one will also, because you will process your feelings, and AFTER that You will make a decision. Rather that's true or not, OP will never feel anything but 2nd best for the rest of his life if he stays in the marriage. This comment you overheard was the final hit of the hammer on the final nail in the coffin. Youre pretty much correct. All I asked was if he had a conversation. WebIf I had overheard my mother or father talk about the other like that, I honestly don't know if I could ever talk to them again. You know her, and you know the relationship. He can't make her love him more. Parental conflict will still have a huge emotional impact regardless and it's not unusual for adult children to require financial support from their parents at this age. I (finally) know my mental illness well enough at 30 to recognize when it's just my shitty brain being shitty and stop the spiral, because it happens about 20 times a week over one thing or another. yeah or she's having a tough time with life in general, worried she's middle-aged, her prime is past her etc. How could he trust her or the relationship when he knows thats what she thinks? He didn't appreciate you, and doesn't deserve to have you in his life!! You learn and you move on, together or not. You can walk away just as easily six months from now as you could two weeks from now. It seems like divorcing before trying to fix it would be too quick of a decision. And yes, that includes other possibilities they might have chosen in the past. I just know I want out but her and our entire family has taken her side calling me a fool and idiot. I want to be with someone who puts me first. You never vent or ask for advice about a significant other? (Most of those conversations are privileged, meaning I dont know how you heard what was said about you unless your spouse straight-up told you what they told them.) Woke up to a note saying she didn't love me anymore. Thinking back to a guy she was dating 20+ years ago, who wasn't serious about her, like they were the glory days seems very odd. Sounds like you were already losing interest and this was the last thing you needed to feel justified. I'd wish her happiness and apologize that I wasn't what she wanted the past 20 years, but I can't go on knowing I'm not "Tom." Go to couples counseling before you do anything. Love is not always an all or nothing situation. If your spouse was talking about you to their mentor, doctor, counselor, therapist, or clergy, you might need to pump those brakes. the wifes comments must have hurt very deep, not trying to minimize the pain hes going through but seriously people say dumb shit and go through personal issues all the time. Best advice in their LIFE was about how to snoop on a not trusted partner. I knew I liked him a lot but I forgot how crazy I really was lol. That even after 20+ years and two kids she didn't get over her ex. This is the comment. That comment is just plain insulting, especially overhearing it. You speak the truth and people do not like it. The fact she is bringing up 20+ year old ex's in conversations is very worrying. I notice a lot of women (and weak men) in this thread who think what she said is OK. Its not. Agreed. People talk about their feelings and their relationships? If the genders were reversed everyone would be saying: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.". 2) She wishes her ex had committed. I dont know. But if you've been happy for 20 years there's something there. Even when you're prioritising hers. Its possible. Get some professional counsel - legal and financial. She reminds me of that scene at the end of "Mr. Nobody" where the wife is mid/late 30s and leaves her husband to find her teen love.. she gets a job at a hair salon, and looks at his picture daily. I wouldn't yell or scream, I'd be too destroyed. But if they dont theres nothing wrong with saying goodbye, That's what I'm saying! In the end she chose you because she knew youd be a better husband and father. Emotion plays a large roll in how we remember things, and particularly when we are remembering emotions. If she's touchy-feely with you and always has been and she initiates sex often and is an enthusiastic partner, then I'd think she was just venting and waxing nostalgic with a friend (which was still a shitty thing to do). I would be devastated too. If youre keen on understanding, then, communicate, establish/ build trust and commit to change on both sides. can anyone say theyve never entertained thought of another? Stop barraging your wife with questions it was way in the past before shed even met you. If so, take it. I feel for you. I hate to say it but its true that this sub has a double standard with this sort of thing. I can think of lesser reasons to throw away 20 years of marriage than this. I honestly think that if they sit down with a therapist and talk it all out brutally honest then they'll have a better sense if they should divorce. Weird, I thought it was an Emperors New Groove reference. Sometimes I wish Tom had been serious with me". Boredom and a desire to move on or romanticized the other has nothing to do with the pain of your entire world and 20 years being redefined in an instant. If I heard those words come from my wifes mouth I would be gone too. This was my first thought after reading Ops post. It is very hurtful and many of us have been in this position and know what it feels like. But you asked for advice, so I would get a therapist and I would do some couples counseling. Someone literally said she was, "worried she's past her prime." Which is a reasonable goal, but I don't really understand what that has to do with this situation or your apparent lack of communication with your wife. Dear Coleen I overheard my wife saying horrible things about me to her friend and its made me wonder whether I should call time on our marriage. Every. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. If thats your decision then thats your decision. This is a case of him overhearing something and jumping on it because he wanted out of the relationship anywayhe's hoping that he will look like less of a douche if he blames it on her. Looking at your responses to this thread, all you are doing is agreeing with everyone who says that the wife is 100% in the wrong, and saying how you want to be free again to ride your motorcycle and whatnot. And no matter how much you rationally know that it is not about you, it is really fucking hard not to take it personally. The rest of us understood what you meant. Yeah its actually really creepy to hold on to this fantasy where she married some other dude for 20 years. Given the length of time from which it began it's about a person she hasn't seen in quite sometime. The "she cant hold our kids over me anymore cause their grown" comments, and others throughout the thread make me think OP has been looking for a reason to leave this relationship. I felt awful that I was making her feel like that and crushed that she didnt like me. OP's wife said she loved her husband, that she sometimes felt she settled, and that she sometimes wished Tom had been serious. I would let her know she really, really hurt you and she is going to have to show you that was just a stupid thing she said and not the truth otherwise you can't stay, because it sounds like you really couldn't. If she's talking about the ex like that, OP is not the one she wants to be with and OP should leave. Uhhh, what? Any relationship that lasts longer than a few years is going to be TESTED, and tested hard. If you want a divorce, more power to you. How likely is that? Take time to just breathe. But in the end you learn to appreciate where you are. What he thought was fact, everything he based his choices and decisions on, has just crumbled away. Good luck to you and your partner. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Why even get married? People don't stay in a relationship for 20 years, if they have a choice to leave, regretting it all the time. EDIT: Here is a link to some info I have found as I am getting tons of messages from people asking if I have more info. By his side for 20 years well, you never settled for a bad vacation and made the best of it. I dont know what kind of advice youre looking for. This could be something that can be worked out through counseling if they both want to, I've seen worse. My wife then said to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice. Now I heard her confirm it for the first time. Reactivity? get outa here with that toxic shit. Once the shock wears off, family and friends who are mad right now will come around, so keep those bridges afloat. What she said is inexcusable and theres no way to explain her way out of it. Who knows. I felt awful that I was making her feel like that and crushed that she didnt like me. Really ? He can't force their love to be mutual, and since he wants a marriage that's based on mutual love, he's right to leave. So the wife has pretty much spent most of her adult life with OP and as a mother. Don't bullshit yourself through it and decide to drag someone along with you. Plus everyone is not on his side and all the anger he feels he wants to use it to show them that he is not. I'm feeling a lot of unreality. Hes now blaming the failed marriage on his wife, but they are both to blame. You fucking people probably stay in shit relationships for years, which is why this sub exists in the first place. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). That he's a placeholder, a second choice. He pines for sex since theres been a dead bedroom and freedom on his motorcycle. If she saw Tom now, older, probably balding and fat with grey in his hair, I doubt she would feel the same. What the hell side is there? His marriage was a complete lie. The husband being discussed by the OP's wife and her friend probably has no idea about his wife's disappointment in his size. I agree, in all actuality of this, she's the one that originally expressed contempt for the relationship. How's your marriage? But when I am depressed, I believe "this is how I always feel, I am always unhappy". This friend is in a serious relationship. 20 years is a long commitment, and people get complacent. She very well could be having the same problems if she'd hooked up with Tom and was married for 20 years. They are not the ones who have to live the second half of your life unhappy that your spouse looks at you like a Plan B. I guess the big thing is to be thoughtful and let the situation breathe a little bit before you take any action. I can tell you that six years later it still hurts and I'm still angry. Did she clarify what the conversation was actually about? It's one of the best things I ever realized. It's one thing to fantasize what could have been, and another regretting that it didn't happen. Besides, what the hell would a conversation do but allow OPs wife to spin even more lies to pile on the mountain shes made already? Nothing you have/had is wasted just because it ends. Dear Coleen I overheard my wife saying horrible things about me to her friend and its made me wonder whether I should call time on our marriage. We're just going to equate a declaration of settling in a marriage with a simple "saying something hurtful"? I do however very strongly recommend OP has a longer conversation and finds out the details before making any final decisions here. 20 years and apparently he doesnt excite her like Tom did, that she wished she was with Tom. This is it. Time will help you get a better perspective. 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